So you have been dating and sharing a bed with this guy for close to a decade, you both seem like soulmates, but he hasn’t proposed yet or said any words that suggests you have a future together. He appears to love you very much and enjoys your company, but then it stops right there. And you keep wondering why he is so afraid of commitment. You are not alone, many other women just like you find it hard to understand why guys don’t want to commit. Don’t get yourself so worked out, the reasons are not that mystical.
First Let’s Understand What Commitment in a Relationship means
It is very common to hear a lady say she is waiting on a guy to make a commitment, wants a commited relationship or she is searching for a guy who is ready to commit. The question is, how then does a committed relationship really look like?
Jonathan Pitts describes being committed in a relationship as a mutual agreement between a couple and not just one partner making all the decisions. Commitment is exhibited through love, respect, loyalty, sacrifice, trust and the resolve to work hard on your imperfections to live happily together as a couple.
Falling in love is not easy but seems much easier to fall in love. Maintaining love or loving consistently seems like a more difficult nut to crack. This is commitment and we all crave for one at a certain point in our life.
Love is the key underlying factor necessary for one to commit to a relationship. A commitment to spend a lifetime with someone should be anchored on mutual love between two persons. Each one must agree, genuinely accept all the terms of the other or compromise where necessary, but out of freewill.
Is Commitment a gender thing?
Absolutely not. Popular stereotypes may assert that men are usually scared of commitment while women are more willing or even desperate to go into one. In reality, many women too are reluctant to give up the freedom of bachelorhood. A 2013 research by pew found that adult males or females are equally likely to want to get married or to be commitment-phobic. So it has more to do with the individual, not necessarily gender.
However some ladies who have higher expectations from a guy keep asking why he is so reluctant to go into a commitment. Check out some of the reasons why some men don’t want to go into a committed relationship.
Reasons why He is not ready to a make a commitment
Circumstances may have brought you two together but commitment involves staying together for a lifetime.
1. His mind is not made up
No one wants to be alone. Everyone would want to enjoy the sweetness of being in a relationship, having someone you so care about and who so dearly cares back in return. A man may be in a relationship with you but not be ready yet for marriage or long term commitment.
A relationship should not have an ultimatum. Both partners should be on the same page and move at same pace.
Here are some signs that may indicate his mind is not yet made up
1. If he tells you his mind is not ready for a monogamous relationship, then brace up and move on. He is definitely not worth wasting your time. Except you are sure you can cope with just having fun.
2. He never makes any big decisions, always comfortable in his comfort zone.
3. When he talks about the future, you are never in it.
4. He never speaks about his friends or family and you never get to meet any.
5. He always criticizes or find faults in whatever you do.
2. He is financially handicapped
There is a saying that love conquers all but it still needs a roof over its head. Money has a serious effect on every relationship, it not only dictates what you can do with your life but also spells your boundaries. Again, every man has this natural ego thing. Men want to help out, to be leaders and problem solvers. Without adequate finances he may not feel so confident getting into a long term commitment. For a man, commitment means taking up a partner’s responsibility and he is not equipped to deal with such responsibilities just yet.
He may try to conceal the fact that he is broke, watch out for these signs
1. He always works on a tight budget.
2. He feels reluctant to pay the bills.
3. Gifts are a rare thing with him even on Valentine’s day.
4. He only loves to hangout in cheap places.
5. He is always brief on the phone.
3. He wants something else
Have you ever asked the question ‘what he really wants from the relationship’ People have many different reasons why they go into relationships. For some guys, its companionship, love and friendship, for others, its just 5,ex and nothing too serious. If what he wants is not be a long term union, then there is really nothing anyone can do to convince him otherwise.
If all he wants is $,ex, you should know by these signs
1. The nature of his texts and emails.
2. His reaction when you say NO.
3. The place he is always choosing for a date.
4. The way he talks (Flirtatiously).
5. He never spends the night after.
4. He is afraid
Fear is the greatest reason why many guys are not willing to go into a commitment. Men are afraid if anything should go wrong. Staying single or not having a too deep connection is synonymous to staying in a safe zone where no one is hurt or no one gets hurt. Some Guys enjoy staying in this safe place rather than filling their minds with emotions and getting hurt or hurting someone else in the end.
Signs that fear is holding him down
1. He is extremely careful with his words.
2. He tries to the extreme not to hurt you.
3. Always asking if you are upset.
4. Its obvious he needs your ‘nod’ but would never ask.
5. Finds it hard to say ‘I love you’
5. He is the self-absorbed type
A self-absorbed man thinks only about himself and what he wants. There may not be much room on his mind to accommodate someone else for a lifetime. He’s just so full of himself.
Here are some signs that he may be the self-absorbed type
1. He never includes you in his decision process.
2. He makes no effort to please you.
3. Always acts as if in a competition with you and others.
4. He loves to talk about himself.
5. He is a serial lier.
6. Not too good childhood experiences
A man’s childhood experiences and the way his parents related with each other and towards him have long lasting imprints on his thought patterns. A man who grew up in an abusive home may not have gotten over the traumatic experience. He wants a decent relationship but may still be afraid that all marriages end up like that of his parents. This idea is rooted deep in his subconscious.
Such a man;
1. Never wants to talk about his childhood.
2. Feels alienated and finds it difficult to relate with others.
3. Has low self-esteem.
4. He is usually very emotional.
5. Easily feels shamed and guilty over menial issues.
7. He is not sure if you are truly worth it
A relationship should undergo a natural growth process till it attains maturity. At any point before a relationship’s final maturing point, love, trust and all the other ingredients needed would not have evolved to that level of commitment. Maybe he feels your relationship hasn’t reached that stage yet or he is not yet a hundred percent convinced that you are the one. You may have worked so hard at your relationship, true but remember that many other factors beyond you also contribute.
Signs he is not that into you
1. He never opens up to you.
2. He is never proactive, never calls or texts if you don’t do same first.
3. Never tells you what he likes about you.
4. He is inconsiderate of your not needs.
5. Never wants to listen and always forgets what you tell him.
8. He is still a baby
The general notion that age brings about maturity is not true all the time. This assumption is false. We are all expected to grow to maturity at a certain age but not everyone of that age will mature at the same time. He might be old enough but not mature enough to go into a committed relationship. A grownup man with childish and adolescent tendencies has commitment as the least thing on his mind.
9. There is someone else
In the introductory part of this article, I had written that being afraid of a relationship commitment is not specific to a particular gender. Sometimes its just a cycle. A guy has a girlfriend who has a commitment phobia. He loves her very much but because he is not so sure, he gets a backup girlfriend. He wants commitment from his number one girlfriend while his second girlfriend tries all she can to get him committed. In the end, no one gets what they want.
10. He is confused
I know a lot of women marvel on listening to guys talk about the ‘women’ they love. Not one, but many. This is why all men a generally ascribed to be ‘players’. It is possible for a guy to be in love equally with two or more women and be confused who to choose. I have a friend who genuinely loves one girl today, the next day he sees another and falls in love again. Is he a player? Its hard to tell because he is true and faithful to one at a time. The problem is, it lasts only a few months. Some guys are just so confused as to what they really want.
11. Peer pressure
His circle of friends is enough reason to make him not want to commit. Peer groups eventually have a norm all are expected to adhere to. So if it is a norm that all be the players, then he may be finding it hard to go against the rules of his peers.
Signs that peer pressure has got a strong hold on him
1. He is always night clubbing.
2. He considers you to be secondary when he is with his friends.
3. His friends always have the final say.
What can I do to get him committed
Someone is probably thinking “I know all this, I have tried but can’t just let go off him, what do I do?”
Yes, there is a lot you can but you must bear it in mind that no matter how much you do, you can never snap your fingers and declare him ready. So just try your best but keep your mind as open as possible.
Give him space – Dont put pressure on him. It would be better if you let him come to accept on his own that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
Come out of your shell – Gone are the days when women were taught to wait for everything. There is no big deal expressing how you feel in your relationship. Its OK, if only you don’t appear to be so desperate.
Be patient with him – You may choose to wait for him. If he is genuinely committed to working and his imperfections and you are sure he loves you that much. Then why not. Be his motivation.
Tell him the options – Tell him what you want and how you feel about your relationship. Tell him you want a guy who is ready for a commitment. If he seems not to be into it, you can choose to move on.